In college, I cared more about my hair, if my makeup looked good, was my tan dark enough, was my outfit trendy enough, and how skinny I was compared to other girls. Those were the important things. Those things get you somewhere. Those things define you, right? Wrong.
I spent time obsessing over them.
Then I got pregnant. With pregnancy came extra weight. With pregnancy came losing my tan skin. Not fitting into my trendy clothes. Losing sleep, and being so tired that i didn't care if i had on a full face of makeup or perfectly curled and teased hair. Losing all these things that defined who I was.
Then comes the baby. Someone you are constantly caring for and wondering does he have everything he needs? I found myself worrying about my own needs less and less. Have I even showered today? Who cares, I'll try to get one next time Patton takes a 10 minute nap.
Its demanding. People don't give us moms enough respect. When can feed, change a dirty diaper, and use a nose frida all at the same time. We miss showers, skips meals, and don't even realize it because we have been caring for someone far more important than ourselves. After a day full of screaming car rides, difficult grocery trips, trying to get the baby food stain out of an outfit that is far nicer than anything in my own closet, and trying to sooth a crying baby fighting sleep harder than you could've ever thought, we still are ready for the next obstacle. What fuels us? All the love.
So anyway, there I sat, tangled dull hair, wearing yesterdays makeup, or was it the day before yesterdays? Coffee breath, wearing an oversized shirt covered with dried spit up stains. & guess what, I didn't care a bit.
I sat there thinking of how ridiculously silly it was for me to care SO much about my hair, or makeup, or whatever mattered so much before. Those things don't define a woman. Those things literally don't get you anywhere. Thats just an outside appearance for others to look at. Those things won't change the world. They don't make a difference in anyones life. Not even mine. They didn't even contribute to my own happiness, the obsessing over them just stressed me out.
I thought I knew myself then, but there wasn't even much to know. I'm not saying there was nothing underneath the fresh highlights, makeup, and nice clothes. There definitely was. There was something much deeper under them, that i just hadn't tapped into yet. I hadn't found myself yet.
Some say they lose themselves after a kid. They forget who they are due to lack of time on their own. But I had found myself.
Having a kid does take away personal time, I am not denying that. But having Patton made me focus less on all of the outside appearance aspects and more on the inside part. I have found so much time to work on my inner self, finding new interests that came with finding hobbies I really enjoyed, and most importantly, to develop a deeper relationship with Christ. Did I have The Blue Doors new arrivals getting shipped to my house and Mac makeups newest line of cosmetics, no, but was I better person, YES!
After having Patton, I have way less time to read, but I read my bible WAY more than I ever did before. I care and pray more for people in need. My heart feels pain much deeper and love more stronger. I can't complain about that.
I have found new interests. Interest in plants. I bought some to grow. I have a new interest in health, and have cut out things that harm my body (well, some. Baby steps, right haha). I buy my fruits and veggies from local farmers markets. I have new interests in home decor and finding odd things or empty spaces and making them beautiful or finding a purpose for them. I enjoy taking hikes. I also like taking pictures with my Nikon d3300. Those things reduce my stress and increase my happiness. They make me a happier, fuller me.
With a fuller me, comes and fuller life. A life less consumed with self appearance and a heart filled with more love. A chubby smiling baby at felts my heart over and over again with every glance. A better relationship with Christ and family I had taken for granted. & a new church family.
Sometimes it's overwhelming to not get me time. To not get time to fix my hair and makeup, put on my clothes that don't have a trace of spit up on them. To not get to feel the best about myself on the outside. That sounds funny, but I am woman and those are a few things at just make some of us feel good, which is important. But I have grown contempt with that.
Babies don't take your time away, they just cause you to only make time for the things that are important to you. They filter out all of things you don't need to fit in time for things that truly matter and contribute to your happiness.
Signing off with messy hair, unmanicured nails, and a full heart,
Alex.
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